I have been reading the book of Job lately in my early morning reading sessions and I have to say it is very enlightening. I hadn't told Hubby what book I was reading in the Bible and the other day he came to me and said he had just started reading it too. I just laughed and said...that's the one I'm reading. We had a long discussion about the way Job handled all of the catastrophe's Satan handed him. He actually fell on his face and praised God. I don't think I would be able to do that. I have a long way to go in my walk with God before I think I could comfortably say I will praise God in anything. I am striving for that kind of faith and trust in God.
Reading Job has also helped me to cope with other things going on in my life. I have been feeling down about myself lately. I've been throwing myself a pity party everyday. I had not been feeling that great about the way I look ever since Ducky came along last year. I just can't seem to lose that extra weight from his pregnancy. I mean, I am not huge, but a woman knows what her body used to be. So, I have something to compare it to. Recently, and by recently I mean a week ago, I had an older woman ask me when I was due?! Yeah, I know, the question all women hate to hear unless they are pregnant. Well, I politely told her I was not pregnant and acted like it wasn't a big deal (she was a little embarrassed). HA! When I got home, I balled like a baby. I told Hubby and he just laughed it off (not in a mean way, just a wow I can't believe someone would say that way). He reassured me that I did not, in fact, look preggo.
No matter how many times people reassure me that the (very kind) woman was wrong, I still can't seem to shake it. I have tried dieting and exercise. I even bought an exercise machine a few months back and used it everyday. I lost 0 pounds!!! So, I quit. Satan is really on the attack with my physical appearance. I have heard and read about physical beauty in the Bible and how we shouldn't judge people based on their outer appearance. Looking at myself I think differently. It is the one thing I am supposed to be in control of, yet no matter what I do I cannot control my metabolism. I try to eat better only to find myself hungry all the time. I do not like my picture taken because of the way I look. My skin is even taking a complete turn around. I am breaking out more than ever. I have always had pretty clear skin. I will be 30 next year so maybe my body is changing and this is what is happening. A lower metabolism, break-outs on my skin that are uncontrollable, and hormones that are off the charts.
So, I have two choices here. My first choice is to let myself go. Give in to the negative hold that Satan has on me. Allow myself to think poorly of my body, which in turn makes me think poorly of every other aspect of my life.
Or, I have a second choice. Don't believe the lies Satan is planting in my mind. Pray fervently that Satan's hold on me will be vanquished and I will look upon myself as the daughter of the King. After all, God made me in His image. Am I to think that God is fat, ugly, and has terrible hair?! I know, you are laughing a bit right now. I am too at that comment. But it's true! If I am made in His image, I must think highly of myself. Not better than anyone else, but better than Satan and his negative attitude. God wants me to have joy in my heart and I have been allowing Satan to steal that joy every chance he gets. If I have a bad hair day, if I wake up and a shirt doesn't fit me anymore that fit just last week, if I have more bumps on my face.
I have a cloud following me around...kinda like in that depression medication commercial on TV. I don't feel like myself. I want self confidence. God is the only one who can give it back to me. I am praying that the "cloud of darkness" will turn into a ray of sunshine. Wow, just saying it makes me feel better. If you or anyone you know is going through this kind of problem with self confidence, please pray for them. It sure does help to have a friend who cares enough to pray for you. My best friend "Mrs. A" is so helpful in this area. I can call or text her anytime to pray for me (and the same goes for her) and she will pray. I don't have many friends, so the ones I do have are really good ones.
I have been very honest here on my blog. But, that's what I want...honesty. I am struggling with these problems in my life. I think everyone does from time to time. I really hope this helps someone who is going through something similar. I had to remind myself that God loves me the way I am (my mind, body, soul, and even my personality). God made me and He does not make mistakes.