I know lately has been kinda depressing, but the way I express myself is to write things down and get them out in the open. So, I decided to be real here on my blog and just tell you how I feel. Here goes...
I never noticed how many people were pregnant until recently (with the loss of our baby). I go to the supermarket and every single woman is pregnant or has a newborn. I check Facebook a couple of times a day and about 20 of my FB friends are pregnant or have a newborn. Their status updates consist of the latest ultrasound picture or their latest doctor appointment when they got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the 1st time. I actually have 2 or 3 friends who are exactly where I would be with my baby. I am very happy for them. God makes every single little baby and knows exactly what they will look like, be like, etc. I just want to know why I never noticed this before?
I am very serious...every single person I see lately is pregnant. My own sister has a newborn baby girl. I found out I was pregnant the day after she was born. I miss being pregnant. I love being pregnant. I can't believe I'm not sometimes. I find myself still trying to be careful with my body. I don't stand directly in front of microwave, just in case. I don't expect anyone to relate to this or feel sorry for me. I am just writing this down to get it off my chest.
When we planted our tree on Saturday for Baby Kendall, I don't think I cried much. It was kinda like a final step to closure. Instead of feeling sad...I felt anger. I was/am not angry at God or even anyone really. I am just angry that I don't have my baby. Instead of crying, I wanted to hit something, kick something, throw a fit in the middle of the yard, and scream. Of course, I didn't do any of that. I just stood there, holding my breath, holding back the tears, holding on to hope.
It is hope that has gotten me through this. Hope and the love of others. Hope that I will see Baby Kendall again in heaven. Hope that God knows me and I will be reunited one day with my little one. My in-laws have literally been crazy good to us, especially me. They have spent a lot of time with us. They have cried with us, held on to us, brought us meals, taken care of the children, even cleaned my house and did the laundry. I have the BEST in-laws in the entire world. I have had help from others as well. People have given us cards, prayer, meals, and just encouragement. My SIL and her family provided the cherry blossom tree that we planted to remember Baby Kendall.
God has given my husband and I a great support system. God has really been at work in our lives this past week. I know I have leaned on Him with all of my strength, heart, and soul. He has lifted my head from the depths of depression. I have felt depression (which I struggle with now and then) creeping in, but I have asked God for help. He has taken away my sadness and replaced it with a peace. A peace that surpasses all else. Don't get me wrong...I am grieving the loss of our baby, but with God I have hope.
One last thing and then I am done. I could not have gotten through any of this without my amazing husband. He has let me grieve in my own way. He has held me when I'm sad and cry on his shoulder. He encourages me and leaves me bible verses to read in the morning. He has been gentle and sweet. He has even planned a date for us this Saturday night to make me feel better. Without a loving and caring husband, I could not have gotten through this difficult time.
Thank you to all who have helped us through this. Whether it be prayers, meals, cards, words of encouragement, or anything else. THANK YOU! We have felt your prayers in our hearts. We have felt your love. This loss has changed my life forever. It has made me more aware of God and His unconditional love for us. It has made me have more sympathy for people who have lost a loved one. But, like I said before, it has given more hope and peace. I will get through this...I will be able to look at pregnant women and babies again one day without wanting to cry. So, if you are pregnant or have a newborn and I cry when I see you or I don't comment on you FB status about your latest ultrasound, it's not because I am unhappy for you. It is the opposite of that. It is because I know the joy that is coming to you. I know the happiness you are experiencing. It is beyond measure...and I want it too.
Blessings to you all,