The day Bear was born was one of the best days of my life. He was worth every hour of pain and delivery.
When they let us take him home from the hospital we couldn't believe it. Hubby and I thought "they are letting us take this sweet baby home all by ourselves and we didn't even take a class or get a license to have one?" LOL! I know, it sounds silly. But babies are a HUGE responsibility. I am so thankful that I get to be his mother. He is my sweet, determined, curious, orange-headed helper. He is very spunky and silly and loves to laugh. He is also very aware of life. He is aware that it can be taken away and asks a TON of questions. He is extremely inquisitive. I love that about him. He has a zest for learning and loves to "do school work".
I never thought I could love another child as much as I loved him. Then, we got pregnant with Ducky and that's when the real fun began *wink, wink*
Ducky brought so much sunshine into our lives. Bear was so happy to have a brother to play with. Even though Ducky didn't sleep through the night until he was 10+ months old, we got through it. Now he is my best sleeper! He is my kind-hearted, extremely intelligent, independent, blonde boy. He loves life and loves his brothers. He tries to "help" but makes more messes than not. LOL! He's all boy.
Once again, we never thought we could love another child as much as we already loved these two little boys. We got pregnant again and were so happy. We could not believe how excited the boys were and how much love we already felt for our baby. I started thinking of names right away. The boys helped me think of silly names and they kept saying they wanted a sister. Unfortunately, baby Kendall went to Heaven at 12 weeks gestation and we were devastated. He had brought so much love to our lives in such a short time. Bear and Ducky cried and cried. We had many talks with both of them, mainly Bear, about where baby Kendall went and that we would see him in Heaven someday. It still makes me cry when I think about what he would have been like, looked like, felt like in my arms. There is an emptiness in my heart that will never be filled until I get to see his face. Until then, I am enjoying the blessings I already have here with me.
(This is the only picture we have of baby Kendall before he went to Heaven)
We thought we probably wouldn't have anymore children. I remember saying that I didn't want to be pregnant every again to risk losing my baby. Grief can do so many things to us. It makes us eat a lot or not at all, makes us cry a lot or shut completely down. I did a lot of all of those things. A few months went by and we were slowly healing from the loss. Then, we had the surprise of our lives. Another baby was on the way! We were so elated. I didn't think I would be as excited and for the first few months I was extremely careful and we didn't even tell anyone until after the first trimester. When my little Monkey was born my heart was bursting with love.
Look how cute he is! He was my longest labor but I wouldn't trade it for the world. He is such a sweet baby. He actually giggled for the first time today when we were in Target. I can't get enough of him. I love to cuddle him. Bear and Ducky are very good big brothers. They help me so much with him and love to hold him and kiss him.
Being a mother is such a high calling. I am with them the most and have the most influence on them. My life is so incredibly blessed by having these boys in it. They are a handful but they also make my heart full. They have determination like no other when they don't (or do) want to do something. I see a lot of me in them. I hope I see a lot more good from me than the ugly.
I am going to share with you a story. Recently I have been feeling so horrible about yelling at my kids. I don't yell at them all the time everyday. But, I yell. I can get mean and angry when I yell. I see Bear and Ducky starting to pick up that bad behavior. I feel so convicted. I am sharing this with you because I have begun a journey. I don't know where it will lead or how I will get through it but by the grace of God and lots of prayer. I have challenged myself to not yell anymore. I have set a goal of 1 month of no yelling. I read a blog recently called the Orange Rhino. She got me to thinking that I could do this too. I talked with my older boys and husband and told them my plan. Whenever I get angry or start to yell they are to kindly say "orange rhino" and remind me to not yell. I told Bear and Ducky that it also reminds me that the person with whom I am upset is also someone special to me. I care about that person and don't want to yell. So, our house is now a "No Yell Zone".
I will keep you posted on my progress. Please keep me in your prayers because it's not as easy as it sounds.
I am their mother. I have a responsibility to God to raise them to know Him first. I consider that my number one priority. The jobs of a mother are never ending: chef, nurse, chauffeur, seamstress, personal shopper, boo boo kisser, ball chaser, snot grabber, tickle monster, maid, and so on. I don't get paid any money. I don't even get credit for most of the things I do and some days I don't even get a thank you. But, every single day I get kisses and hugs. I get to watch them grow up and see every new thing they do and learn. I get the awesome job of playing with them and loving them. Motherhood to me is the best job that God gave to women and to the world. A mother's love is so different than a father's love. Mother's are more tender-hearted, nurturing, caring, and graceful in the home. God has given me my boys only temporarily but ultimately they are His. I have them with me only a short time and I want that time to be precious.
I have many friends who can't have children and are waiting. As one of them says "waiting in hope". I am praying for each of you. God has a plan and a purpose. I am holding on to hope and faith for each of you.
Mothers, let us pray for one another. The world is trying hard to take our children. Let us become Godly mothers who teach our children the ways of the Lord. That is my prayer for you.