You know the old saying "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade". But, what if you just don't feel like it? What if you are tired? What if you are stressed? What if you are having a bad day, week, month? I am going to be very open and honest here today. I have been feeling all of these things. I have 3 boys. A 5 year old, a 3 year old, and a 1 year old. They are wonderful blessings. They are also very full of energy. They are needy, loud, energetic, and silly. I am up during the night with one or another of them. I am up very early with the big boys. I have laundry, dishes, cleaning, meals to make. I feel overwhelmed at times and defeated by life.
A while ago my Hubby came home from work and surprised me with a card and my favorite coffee and a bag of Milanos Double Chocolate. The card said "Sometimes life gives you lemons and you don't feel like making lemonade". He knew exactly what I needed. My husband and I may argue and fight sometimes but we are best friends. We don't like to see each other hurt. I told him of some things that have been going on with me lately and he wanted to cheer me up. What a great guy!
I feel like I have been pretending for a long time. Pretending to be someone I'm not. I am naturally a loud, opinionated, sarcastic person. I have come a long way in taming these areas of my life but they are still a part of me. My husband fell in love with this person and never complains about my personality. I would love to be that quiet, meek, gentle wife and mother. But, I wear yoga pants most days. I speak my mind most of the time. I pretend to be happy when deep down I am crying inside. I pretend to not be lonely when all I want is for someone to call ME for a change and ask how I am. I pretend to have it all together when I am really falling apart at the seams. I could crack at any moment.
I had been going through a lot. My emotions were getting the best of me and people were seeing a very real, raw side to my personality. I was lashing out, getting angry, crying about everything. I felt that I had no one to talk to about it except my husband and sometimes my mom. My husband is a very good listener but he wants to fix everything. His intentions are the best, but sometimes a girl just wants to vent. I have tried to vent to others only to get told what I should and shouldn't be doing. Don't get me wrong...I can throw a great pity party. But, I just want someone to listen to me sometimes. I felt like I was screaming in a crowded room and no one could hear me. Only one person could heal this brokenness in my heart. Only one person hears my cries in my affliction:
"I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety." -Psalm 61:2
My problems are not these huge, catastrophic things that will make or break me. These are matters of the heart. Matters of feeling lonely, vulnerable, and isolated. I find myself second guessing my decisions. I find it hard to trust people. I wonder why people don't treat me the way I treat them (as in being nice and loving).
I have talked with my husband and spent many hours pouring over the scriptures and praying. I have come to the conclusion that when something or someone causes you to be that hurt they are not worthy of your heart. The only being that is worthy of your whole heart is Christ. He loves us so much that He died for us. I saw a shirt a while ago and it said "You're worth dying for". Then there was a scripture to go a long with it. I think that is the greatest love of all.
God is my refuge and my strength. He heals my broken heart. He comes to my rescue when I am in need. He loves me in my triumphs and loves me in the valley. His hand is always guiding me and strengthening me. He gives me hope that I will one day live and walk with Him.